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The whole things with William Shatner had me thinking about grief and the "right way". Logically, I know that there's no right way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently. And everyone grieves differently when it comes to different people, plants, or animals in their lives.
I recently lost my cat. I mean like it's been two weeks. He was my partner and the closest I've ever been to any animal. It tore a hole in my heart to lose him. The first couple of days, I couldn't even mention him without crying my head off. By the third day, I realized that my other cat and I needed another cat. Not one that would replace Martok, the cat I lost, but one that would keep Garak company and keep me company. Garak is pretty needy and we never bonded. He is a member of my household and I do love him, but there's just no bond there. I needed a cat that I was bonded to. He needed a friend who would be there when I wasn't. So, we got Uhura and slowly it's starting to work out. Slowly. That said, Garak isn't focused on Martok missing. He isn't as needy. He has something to distract him. I have something to distract me.
That doesn't mean I'm done grieving. It still hurts, I still miss him. I didn't just stop grieving when I got her. I'm just distracted from it swallowing me into a hole of despair. I'm able to function better. Yet, even before I got her, people stopped asking me how I was. If I brought it up, they sounded bored. There was almost a "Aren't you over that" to their tone. This wasn't everyone, of course, but enough people that I started to stop talking about it as much. Their tones made it worse because while I know that I should be able to grieve as long as I need, I didn't feel secure talking about it. This is wrong, of course, but it still happened. There are people who would have continued to listen and tell me that they loved me and tell me that it was alright to talk to them, but I stopped because of it. Because the wound is still fresh, probably about a full hour a day at least is focused on Martok. It's when I don't have Uhura to look after and my client's house is silent. Those quiet times. And I can't cry at work so I'm stuck doing anything and everything to distract myself.
All that said, I didn't bury Martok. I didn't even take his ashes. When someone dies, they aren't them anymore. I don't have any sort of need to take care of the corpse other than to dispose of it. I held my cat while we put him down. I knew he was gone before the doctor said a word. His purr stopped. He stopped. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew. And yet, when she asked if I needed to hold him, I handed his body of to her and assured her that I had already said good-bye. I miss him. I don't regret that at all.
So, I guess what all this babble means is: Let people grieve the way they want. Don't judge them. Don't tell them they're wrong. Don't say they're bragging. Don't say they aren't saying enough. Let them grieve and just be there.
I recently lost my cat. I mean like it's been two weeks. He was my partner and the closest I've ever been to any animal. It tore a hole in my heart to lose him. The first couple of days, I couldn't even mention him without crying my head off. By the third day, I realized that my other cat and I needed another cat. Not one that would replace Martok, the cat I lost, but one that would keep Garak company and keep me company. Garak is pretty needy and we never bonded. He is a member of my household and I do love him, but there's just no bond there. I needed a cat that I was bonded to. He needed a friend who would be there when I wasn't. So, we got Uhura and slowly it's starting to work out. Slowly. That said, Garak isn't focused on Martok missing. He isn't as needy. He has something to distract him. I have something to distract me.
That doesn't mean I'm done grieving. It still hurts, I still miss him. I didn't just stop grieving when I got her. I'm just distracted from it swallowing me into a hole of despair. I'm able to function better. Yet, even before I got her, people stopped asking me how I was. If I brought it up, they sounded bored. There was almost a "Aren't you over that" to their tone. This wasn't everyone, of course, but enough people that I started to stop talking about it as much. Their tones made it worse because while I know that I should be able to grieve as long as I need, I didn't feel secure talking about it. This is wrong, of course, but it still happened. There are people who would have continued to listen and tell me that they loved me and tell me that it was alright to talk to them, but I stopped because of it. Because the wound is still fresh, probably about a full hour a day at least is focused on Martok. It's when I don't have Uhura to look after and my client's house is silent. Those quiet times. And I can't cry at work so I'm stuck doing anything and everything to distract myself.
All that said, I didn't bury Martok. I didn't even take his ashes. When someone dies, they aren't them anymore. I don't have any sort of need to take care of the corpse other than to dispose of it. I held my cat while we put him down. I knew he was gone before the doctor said a word. His purr stopped. He stopped. I don't know how to explain it, but I knew. And yet, when she asked if I needed to hold him, I handed his body of to her and assured her that I had already said good-bye. I miss him. I don't regret that at all.
So, I guess what all this babble means is: Let people grieve the way they want. Don't judge them. Don't tell them they're wrong. Don't say they're bragging. Don't say they aren't saying enough. Let them grieve and just be there.
